Tonight I went to see my friend Will perform the tenor solos in the Messiah with the Oratorio Society at Carnegie Hall. He was terrific - it was as if the piece was written for him - and I would have been brimming with pride if only my stomach wasn't exploding in discomfort. "Comfort ye" he sang, but alas, I couldn't.
See, I found this old pair of jeans in one of my winter clothes boxes that I was going through, and even though they were way tight, I decided to squeeze into them and look hot hot hot for tonight's concert. Except I didn't realize that sitting through an entirely uncut Messiah with very tight pants around my waist would basically give me gastrointestinal horrors. So during the intermission, I carefully placed my coat in my lap and undid my pants to give myself a little relief.
I felt much better and was enjoying the concert in relative comfort (ye) until we came to the Hallelujah chorus. I completely forgot about the tradition that requires everyone to stand up when we get to that part, and the patrons in the seats all around me shot up as soon as the first chords were played. I was left with my coat in my lap wondering if I could possibly get away with staying seated when I noticed the people behind me looking down at me with disdain. I reached under my coat to try to discreetly button up my pants, but I discovered that zipping and buttoning really tight pants is way harder than undoing them.
With all the people around me standing up and therefore able to see my every move easily, I had to sort of stretch out into a half reclining position, reach under my coat, and suck in just to get the zipper up. The button was even harder because I had to wriggle side to side to get it closed. When I finally managed to get everything properly fastened, the Hallelujah chorus was half over, and everyone around me was furrowing their eyebrows at me like I might be a pervert. But I stood up anyway and smiled as if nothing was wrong. And as soon as the piece was over, I sat back down and unfastened those suckers like there was no tomorrow.
Now I'm finally home and free of those treacherous jeans. Now that deserves a Hallelujah.