thoughts

So, I am not taking my second already paid for transportation this week. First, I purposefully missed my flight back to the US so I could stay here and do two auditions. Then, yesterday, as I was planning for my big trip to Venice (hooray - I got to see Venice after all) my throat started hurting, but I tried to ignore it for most of the day, thinking it was fatigue. But by the end of the day it became clear that in fact I had an actual sore throat, and that hopping a 5 hour train to Venice and having an audition the following day was perhaps not in the cards. And this morning when I woke up with that feeling of fire in your throat where you can't swallow, I knew I had to cancel the trip and the audition. Of course, it's not even 6 in the morning in New York, so my agent doesn't know yet, but he'll get my sad sick little messages when he wakes up. My first thought was of course "thank god this cold waited until after my performances to attack me" but now, as I'm sitting in bed trying to recover, I am certainly feeling disappointed. I don't know if I'll recover in time to do the other audition I was supposed to do - I hope so - and if I don't, I just wasted money and time staying here only to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.

There is always a let down after any show is over. This one is probably going to be particularly strong because the build up was so long, the experience both stressful and exciting, and the friends I made became particularly dear to me. I became so close with the Swiss soprano named Rachel that we both shed a few tears when we had to say goodbye (it's also hard working in europe and meeting european friends because unlike American singers who all pop through new york from time to time, you really have no idea when you'll see these people again). And now, instead of my excitement about seeing new places and maybe getting new jobs, I'm lying in a bed (my friend Vincenzo's bed - he has insisted that I take his room while he bunks with his brother - this is true southern hospitality- southern italy that is), and hoping I can coax this little fever sore throat thing out of me quickly. It doesn't help that it is rainy and cloudy here for about the 16th day in a row (it has been abnormally horrible weather for this latter part of May here) and that I could be in my own bed right now if I only knew I was going to be too sick to sing auditions and had gone home.

Sometimes I feel so confused when a job is over. Did that go well? I think it did, but maybe I could have done such and such better. Did the conductor love me or hate me? Will anything come of this? Will the theater rehire me? Will I ever have an opportunity to see these dear friends again and/or work with them? Ah the profound let-down. Plus, I have been avoiding thinking about this, but I am going to get back to New York just in time for my best friend to move away. Things change, Jo (reference to Little Women for anyone who is confused) and they keep changing, and I in my Jo-ness keep hoping that the things I like will stay just as they are, but they never do.

On a lighter note, I am staying this week with Vincenzo, and this morning, before he left, he was pulling stuff out of cabinets and cupboards to make sure I had food to eat (until he returns and cooks me something for lunch). He pulled out the following things that his brother had brought in his suitcase from Southern Italy to their apartment: A huge loaf of crusty bread, a jar of home-made jam, three different types of cheeses, at least a dozen eggs, a crate of fresh cherries, and the artichokes that he used yesterday in a risotto. Oh god - how am I gonna eat anything when I leave this place!!!!!!!!!!!!